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Feeling very dismal about nearly everything. If it wasn't for Charles, that nearly wouldn't be there. I've almost run out of things to preoccupy myself with as far as moving in goes. And that's bad. Now that I can't keep busy 24-7, I start to think.
Winter always has me depressed anyways. Lack of serotonin I suppose, as well as the bleak and icky weather. Then add into it that this year Christmas is practically non-existant to me. My entire family has decided not to exchange gifts. I know that shouldn't bother me, but the reason I love the holidays so much is cause it gives me an excuse to buy things for people. I love spoiling the people I care about. And this year, I don't get to grin like an idiot as I run around in the snow buying gifts. I don't get to watch anyone's eyes light up when they see that I remembered something they casually mentioned that they liked 5 months ago. I don't have anything to put under my tree. I think I'm just going to ignore Christmas this year. No presents, no tree, no decorations, no baking. Just pretend it's already Jan.
In addition to that, the job thing is really getting to me. Especially today. I saw an add in the paper for a direct care spot for in-home MRDD clients. I surpass their requirements and then some. And they aren't even accepting apps, they're just cold interviewing. Show up, you get interviewed. That's Tues. I figure I could just go there and be done with it. Pretty safe bet I could get it no problem. And it's FT/PT/1:1 and some spots are starting @ $9. Which ain't bad. But DAMN I don't want to go back to being a direct care worker. But man it seems like I just can't find anything else. No one from last week has called back, and the holidays have started which mean they either aren't calling me at all, r they're really really dumb to wait that long. I'm just a bit depressed that I have _wonderful_ experiance and education in all the places I _never_ want to be again.
Add into that lovely mess the fact that I have no frickin idea what I want to do with my life still. _That_ bothers me most of all because that is soley up to me to determine. Ok, so I know I like to teach now, great. So teaching psyc prolly not a horrible idea, right? Except that that would mean I would have to at least be working on my doctorate to even get a spot. And what kind of doctorate would I get? If I go for the Psy.D. then I end up back in the part of the field my cardiologist told me to avoid unless I'm begging and early death. And sure once I'm teaching it won't matter, but ah there are internships and the likes that I would have to do for several years. Not to mention, Psy.D. does not easily get you hired to be a prof. Which means I'd have to go for the traditional Ph.D. Which means I'd end up doing research. Which I _hate_. And would be really really hard on me. Again with the stress and the health problems.
And so then if I don't teach psyc? What then? Well, toying with the idea of a recreational therapist, but the jobs aren't too terribly common, and the stuff I would really want to do in that area, again, difficult on my health, this time because of the physical exertion, rather than the stress. My other idea is art therapy. Again, not a huge call in employment. And I'd totally end up in a psyc ward at a hospital, as it seems they are the only ones who regularly employ art therapists. ;p
And what of my writing? I find an MFA in writing would take me a lot of doing even to get _into_ the program, and honestly, not even keen on that idea. No one can _teach_ you to write, so it just ends up being another degree I can't really use. If I want to write, I've got what I need already. So why the hell aren't I doing it while I'm unemployed? Why can't I motivate myself when I really have nothing better to do anyways? I work so much better with deadlines and requirements >,<
In short: ARGH! I have no direction on anything and not a damn thing to even get out of bed for aside from seeing Charles. And that's sad. I wish I had the slightest idea what to do about myself. Or at least someone to talk to that could really help. *sigh* Oh, look, I get to join the emo posting club for this one. Yay!
Winter always has me depressed anyways. Lack of serotonin I suppose, as well as the bleak and icky weather. Then add into it that this year Christmas is practically non-existant to me. My entire family has decided not to exchange gifts. I know that shouldn't bother me, but the reason I love the holidays so much is cause it gives me an excuse to buy things for people. I love spoiling the people I care about. And this year, I don't get to grin like an idiot as I run around in the snow buying gifts. I don't get to watch anyone's eyes light up when they see that I remembered something they casually mentioned that they liked 5 months ago. I don't have anything to put under my tree. I think I'm just going to ignore Christmas this year. No presents, no tree, no decorations, no baking. Just pretend it's already Jan.
In addition to that, the job thing is really getting to me. Especially today. I saw an add in the paper for a direct care spot for in-home MRDD clients. I surpass their requirements and then some. And they aren't even accepting apps, they're just cold interviewing. Show up, you get interviewed. That's Tues. I figure I could just go there and be done with it. Pretty safe bet I could get it no problem. And it's FT/PT/1:1 and some spots are starting @ $9. Which ain't bad. But DAMN I don't want to go back to being a direct care worker. But man it seems like I just can't find anything else. No one from last week has called back, and the holidays have started which mean they either aren't calling me at all, r they're really really dumb to wait that long. I'm just a bit depressed that I have _wonderful_ experiance and education in all the places I _never_ want to be again.
Add into that lovely mess the fact that I have no frickin idea what I want to do with my life still. _That_ bothers me most of all because that is soley up to me to determine. Ok, so I know I like to teach now, great. So teaching psyc prolly not a horrible idea, right? Except that that would mean I would have to at least be working on my doctorate to even get a spot. And what kind of doctorate would I get? If I go for the Psy.D. then I end up back in the part of the field my cardiologist told me to avoid unless I'm begging and early death. And sure once I'm teaching it won't matter, but ah there are internships and the likes that I would have to do for several years. Not to mention, Psy.D. does not easily get you hired to be a prof. Which means I'd have to go for the traditional Ph.D. Which means I'd end up doing research. Which I _hate_. And would be really really hard on me. Again with the stress and the health problems.
And so then if I don't teach psyc? What then? Well, toying with the idea of a recreational therapist, but the jobs aren't too terribly common, and the stuff I would really want to do in that area, again, difficult on my health, this time because of the physical exertion, rather than the stress. My other idea is art therapy. Again, not a huge call in employment. And I'd totally end up in a psyc ward at a hospital, as it seems they are the only ones who regularly employ art therapists. ;p
And what of my writing? I find an MFA in writing would take me a lot of doing even to get _into_ the program, and honestly, not even keen on that idea. No one can _teach_ you to write, so it just ends up being another degree I can't really use. If I want to write, I've got what I need already. So why the hell aren't I doing it while I'm unemployed? Why can't I motivate myself when I really have nothing better to do anyways? I work so much better with deadlines and requirements >,<
In short: ARGH! I have no direction on anything and not a damn thing to even get out of bed for aside from seeing Charles. And that's sad. I wish I had the slightest idea what to do about myself. Or at least someone to talk to that could really help. *sigh* Oh, look, I get to join the emo posting club for this one. Yay!
